"If the God you believe in as an idea doesn’t start showing up in what happens to you in your own life, you have as much cause for concern as if the God you don’t believe in as an idea does start showing up. It is absolutely crucial, therefore, to keep in constant touch with what is going on in your own life’s story and to pay close attention to what is going on in the stories of others’ lives. If God is present anywhere, it is in those stories that God is present. If God is not present in those stories, then they are scarcely worth telling." ~ Frederick Buechner

06 May 2011

Dear Brennan.Mother's Day Letter

Nich and I have been writing Brennan letters since last summer when we confirmed our suspicions that he was growing away in my belly. :~) A blog I follow asked moms to write Mother's Day letters entitled "I'm So Glad You Were Born," so I felt that would be an appropriate letter for this week.


Dear Brennan,

It's hard to believe you're almost 11 weeks old. It seems like it was just yesterday that I announced your presence to your Daddy with a Texas Longhorns T-shirt - and a matching onesie. Waiting for you was a journey in itself. I vividly remember the day I sat in the rainy parking lot at the doctor's office last fall after the very first appointment I had to go to alone because Daddy couldn't get away from work. I had called him to tell him they had found cysts in your brain, and although I had held together all right through the appointment, I cried on the phone. I was scared for you. On my way home, in a wobbly voice, I sang the chorus of "'Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus" over and over again. Later on, we learned that you had an enlarged kidney.

Babycakes, never before in my life have I felt so protective over anyone or anything. I was fastidious in what I ate while I was pregnant with you. I was wracked with guilt for weeks about the sushi I had eaten while overseas during your first month when I didn't know you were growing away inside me. Daddy kept telling me it was okay, but it wasn't until I saw the doctor for the first time and heard your heartbeat that I felt better. I ignored my cravings for sushi, deli meat, and went cold turkey with caffeine. I limited my sugar intake. Would you believe I even started including flaxseed into my diet? And I've never been angrier at smokers. Every time I saw someone lighting up near me, especially after you were big enough that it was obvious I was pregnant, I wanted to punch those people's lights out! It probably would have looked pretty ridiculous to see your 5' tall, petite mama trying to knock out those people.

You came into the world on a cold, sunny February morning after a snowstorm. We had also had a full moon that weekend. I suppose there may be something to that old wives' tale after all. We were so thankful that you were completely healthy. You were a whopping 9.5 pounds, sweetums! You gave Daddy, me, and the nurses a run for our money!

And we fell head over heels in love with you from the moment we first cuddled together as a family. Brennan, you've changed my life. I am so privileged to be your mama. You inspire me to be a better person. I want to be kinder, gentler, more generous, and more compassionate to the world around me. I want to live life with integrity, to make our home a haven, to love your Daddy wholeheartedly and unselfishly, all so that your world will be a joyful place.

I love the way you hold my thumb as you nurse. I love how you gaze into my brown eyes with your big gray ones, trusting me so implicitly and completely. I love the way you giggle and smile at me suddenly while you're nursing, making milk dribble out of the corner of your mouth. I love watching you and your Daddy cuddle on Saturday mornings. I love your laughs. I love the way you "talk" so expressively, your mouth moving in so many different shapes as you try so hard to tell us what you're thinking. I love how you sit quietly in my lap when I read to you, as though you are really listening and understanding what I'm saying. I love how serious you are as you sit in your swing sometimes. I love the way you nuzzle your face into my neck when you're sleepy. I love the way you raise one eyebrow, just like Daddy.

I love your big feet.

Daddy celebrated his first Father's Day last summer when we began suspecting you were hiding in my belly. Two days from now, I'll celebrate my first Mother's Day. It sounds so cliche, but I feel as though my heart will burst thinking about it.

Oh, Baby, I am so glad you were born!

Love you forever, like you for always,