"If the God you believe in as an idea doesn’t start showing up in what happens to you in your own life, you have as much cause for concern as if the God you don’t believe in as an idea does start showing up. It is absolutely crucial, therefore, to keep in constant touch with what is going on in your own life’s story and to pay close attention to what is going on in the stories of others’ lives. If God is present anywhere, it is in those stories that God is present. If God is not present in those stories, then they are scarcely worth telling." ~ Frederick Buechner

20 April 2011

Two Months

I was warned thoroughly while pregnant that time would fly.

They were all right.

I absolutely cannot believe it has been two months since Brennan made Nich and me happy parents. My world has changed in so many ways, and I don't miss most of what was "normal" before. And the things that I do miss, I'd much rather have this life with my little boy than have those things without him.

Speaking of change, being a mom keeps me on my toes. Things have changed not just since before Brennan was born, but things change week to week. Heck, they change day to day! His feeding needs change, his pooping changes, his sleep patterns change. How much "other stuff" (meaning non-baby-related stuff) I get done during the day totally depends on what kind of day Brennan's having. I've learned to be okay with that.

Which is sort of a wonder in itself, knowing me.

I had a half day of subbing last week. I cried as my friend Kristy drove off with my baby. It was only two hours of separation, but boy. I thought about him THE ENTIRE TIME.

Next week - on my birthday, no less - I'm subbing a full day. I have to mention here that I've made myself unavailable for subbing the rest of the school year, but a friend of mine asked if I could cover these days, so I'm doing this as a favor to him. Anyway, I've been trying to prepare myself for the day away from my favorite little guy. I've been pumping a nice store of milk for the day, bought a cooler to put them in, making a mental list of things I need to send along, and so forth. I've also been trying to prepare myself emotionally for the day, but I'm not sure that it'll be any easier for it.

Funny how you get used to being with this other person all day, every day. It's sort of like getting married, but this time, this other person depends on you completely for everything.

I love it.

*Happy sigh*


07 April 2011


God sure took me seriously when I said that I needed today to be a recovery day. And He has blessed it, although not in ways that I would have anticipated (I know, no surprise there, right?).

First of all, this sunshine! I am so, so, so thankful for it. I don't think I have seasonal depression or anything like that, but winter in upstate NY can be rough on this girl who grew up in the tropics.

Secondly, I had intended to stay in bed with Brennan all day (other than for necessities, like changing diapers, drinking water, eating lunch and so forth). Then a new friend from church reminded me that we were supposed to go walking with our boys on Thursdays. I debated whether or not to cancel, since I had proclaimed it to be a stay-in-bed day, but then I decided the fresh air and sunshine would do us good. It was so lovely to walk and chat, and Brennan slept in the Moby wrap almost the entire 45 minute walk around the neighborhood.

Thirdly, Brennan is actually SLEEPING in his bassinet. This does not happen often during the daytime. Honestly, it's probably more because I haven't had the discipline to put him down for naps intentionally, but he's passed out. This means that I actually got to eat a hot lunch and that I'm getting to blog in the middle of the day.

Finally, friends of ours who use Fuzzibunz diapers successfully and are expecting another baby have agreed to purchase those 6 diapers from us. And another friend has offered to let us try her Bummis, since she is "done" having kids. Another friend actually offered to buy us new diapers to replace the Fuzzibunz. I am so thankful for all these people.

I'm also thankful to know that I have friends who encourage me when I'm struggling. There's just nothing I can say to express how much I need my network of friends and what it means to me when I get that email or phone call, especially because I know how busy their lives are, too. It's also a reminder to me to reciprocate and to be there for people, because people are more important than circumstances.

As for our next living situation and the Texas thing, most days, I KNOW God will provide. I just need to keep that in perspective when everything else is overwhelming me.

With the few moments I have remaining to myself, I'm going to read and doze on the couch in our study.

It actually feels kind of weird to be sitting here by myself with the laptop actually on my lap and no baby breastfeeding.

Oh, how my life has changed.

06 April 2011


It's an hour past our new regular bed time, and Brennan is all of a sudden incredibly upset. He was all smiles and coos while I was changing him after his last feeding, and then one of the stupid new Fuzzibunz diapers we got last week leaked (AGAIN), and ever since then, he has been inconsolably screaming. I hate those stupid diapers, and Cottonbabies won't take them back. I feel sick for having spent that $117, and I feel terrible that I don't know what to do to help my baby feel better.

Not only that, our lease is up at the end of next month, and it doesn't look like we'll be moving to Texas this year either. So we're looking for housing up here again, and apartments are so expensive.

I feel helpless.

05 April 2011

"Litany," Billy Collins

"You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine."