Have you ever felt like you were so unsafe with the majority of a group of people that you couldn't really be yourself? That you couldn't share your thoughts, feelings, insights, opinions, and interests because you would be condemned, judged, despised, passively rejected for them? That you are so "odd" that even after a long, long time, you still just don't quite fit?
This is how we feel after five years.
Nich and I had a hard conversation tonight about our hearts' desires and needs. As we talked, I came to the realization that I have no - I'm not exaggerating here - friends through our church with whom I feel completely safe being me.
Not only that, I don't know anyone I can call up and say, "Hey, did you hear what happened in Norway? Isn't that awful? Can we pray for the country?" I don't know anyone who would be aware of anything going on outside of this nation's borders and really care.
I hurt thinking of this.
And I want to be a part of a body of Christ that is safe for us ... even though we don't look like everyone else, even though we come from completely different places and cultures, even though we may think differently ... I want to be loved, accepted, and valued as a part of God's family.
Never before in my life have I had such a hard time finding friends. Some days, I'm so lonely, I just cry out to God for just one friend. I'm starting to feel like He's not hearing me; maybe I'm not hearing Him?
We ask for prayer, for discernment, for wisdom. Neither Nich nor I have been advocates of the church-hopping mentality, but I'm getting desperate for friendship.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think God uses lonely times in our lives to draw us to himself. I had a lonely time a few months ago....and learned many things about myself (some good and some that needed to change) and about my relationship with God. I learned to make Him my all in all and to not seek fulfillment elsewhere or through others. It's a lesson I'm sure I'll have to learn many more times, but it was a good period of wrestling with my identity in Christ, my purpose in where I am right now - where God has placed me for this moment, and with my contentment with whatever life (God) brings my way.
ReplyDeleteI think that by being released from needing affirmation from other people we can find love and acceptance in Christ and are freed to be the people God wants us to be, not who others want us to be. It doesn't mean I have the freedom to do whatever I want, it means I have the freedom to be whoever Christ wants me to be. As long as that "me" is good, true, loving, accepting, full of mercy, thankfulness, self-sacrifice, servant-hearted, etc., then I can know it's from God. I life of living freely in sacrifice to every person who crosses my path without needing their approval, just God's.
I don't know if that makes sense, I'm just trying to share a piece of my journey that God took me through using a difficult circumstance. At the end of it....I found Him to be ever more present in my life than ever before. Praying you'll find Him in it all, Megan
You know, Hannah, that when we end up wherever we end up---Thailand or the Caribbean or wherever---we will be looking for someone to teach our little MK's and make 'em turn out as good TCKs as you did ;-). And Nich is the very talented sort that could do just about anything....maybe you could start cultivating a calling????
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