Trusting

Only our closest friends (and a few others) know this: when I was pregnant with B, we had two major "scares." At a routine ultrasound (and the first appointment where Nich couldn't be with me), I learned that our precious firstborn had a cyst in his brain. The doctor who informed me of this was one I hadn't met previously, and she completely lacked compassion and patience for a stunned new mother. She abruptly delivered the news to me, told me I needed to schedule an immediate Level 2 ultrasound so they could get a better look at the baby's brain, and walked out of the room. I have crystal clear memories of numbly walking to my car in the pouring autumn rain and just sitting there in the cold, not knowing how to process this information I had just received.

And out of nowhere, God reminded me:
"’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word.
Just to rest upon His promise
And to know, 'Thus saith the Lord!'
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!"

I repeated that over and over in my head until the tears had stopped and I could call my husband without gasping for breath through my tears. We didn't tell anyone; we just prayed.

A few months later, following another ultrasound, we learned that his left kidney looked to be missing.

Another Level 2 ultrasound was scheduled. 

Again, those lyrics ran through my head endlessly. And we prayed.

And in both instances, by the time we had gotten to the Level 2 ultrasound, the issues had been "resolved." 

I know those were not medical flukes. I know those were moments of trust-building, of God teaching this Type A control freak early on that, ultimately, I was not, and am not, in control of my children's lives, health, or what have you. And as this blogger says, "It also showed me where peace is ultimately found: Not in pleasant circumstances or the feeling that 'all is well' in my child’s world, but in the palm of God’s hand as He allows whatever He will to come [their] way and mine."

I currently have a fairly large fibroid cyst sitting quite close to my cervix. It has the potential of blocking this baby's birth if it continues to grow and if it does not move over the remaining months. 

I've been reminded repeatedly of God's faithfulness to us in the past, that He knows this little girl even better than I do, that He knows exactly what she looks like, what her personality will be, whether she'll have curls like her sister or soft, brown eyes like her brother. 

Oh, for grace to trust Him more.